I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
