I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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