I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
