you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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