Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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