Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
actually, I'm a sock model
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
