dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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