My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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