its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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