did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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