"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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