In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
