So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
