My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
