No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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