you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
