you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
