My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
