I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
