jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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