Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
