And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
