i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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