i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
