Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
