These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
