Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
