Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
