I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
