my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
