Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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