how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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