So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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