he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Randomize
