I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
