So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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