Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
