sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Say something about gay babies.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
