I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
