textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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