ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
