How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
