Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
