i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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