Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
