He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
