There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
