I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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