God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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