Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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