no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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