Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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