So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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