similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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