I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
