do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
