How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
