I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
