my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize