I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
