If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
