The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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