i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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