i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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