smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
