Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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