How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The struggles of a small town man whore
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
