i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
