so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
