new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
