got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize