i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
