Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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