Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
