U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
