mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize