one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
