no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
