WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
